Happy 10th Birthday Addie!

My sweet girl. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I held you. At this time 10 years ago, I was awaiting your arrival and the nurses were trying to get me to go to sleep because we had no idea how long it would take. I finally got to sleep shortly before I woke up in the middle of the night with pains. Everyone had left except your daddy in the room with me and your MaMa Brock in a hospital room next to us. She couldn’t go home. I didn’t really understand it from her perspective at the time, but I should have. She couldn’t leave her daughter.

I requested an epidural because I decided I didn’t need to feel the physical pain on top of the emotional pain. They told me labor could be long. Then all of a sudden, I felt you come out. I had delivered you. I yelled to the nurse “she’s here, she’s here.” The nurse didn’t believe me. She looked and there you were. She picked you up, wrapped you in a blanket, and placed you in my hands. I was amazed by you. I didn’t know what to expect. I knew your heart stopped beating on June 20. But your little features mesmerized me. Your earthly body was so sick, but in the moment, I couldn’t see that. All my heart could do was celebrate that my daughter was here. Daddy and I shared some time with you and then we started messaging everyone that you were here. You were born June 22, 2013 at 4:35 am. We waited for family to get there and wanted your big brother, Cy, to be the first to meet you.

My sweet girl. 10 years. It’s so hard to process that it’s been that long. 10 years of missing you. 10 years of missing out on your life. 10 years of wondering what it would be like to have you here with us. It hurts sweet girl. It was possible to have all four of you. Cy is 12, you are 10, Grace is 8 and Jake is 6. You should all four be here.

I’m going to sit in the grief for a little bit. I know it’s okay for me to be sad. I miss you. I love you. Good night my sweet, sweet daughter.

Love,

Mommy

The day everything changed

Good morning my sweet baby girl. I’m looking out my bedroom window to the sun shining. June 18. This day was so exciting. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. The day I would find out if you were my son or daughter! I was so excited. So happy. I really wanted you to be a girl. But I also thought maybe you were a boy and my third baby would be a girl. Either way, I was just so excited. We got pregnant with you so very easily. I know this is a little weird, but I know exactly when it was. Valentine’s Day. February 14, 2013. Valentine’s Day has always been a special day to me. It’s cheesy to some but I always loved it. I couldn’t wait to be in love and have a Valentine. So in college, when I started crushing on your daddy, I was too impatient to wait on him. I liked him and I wanted a Valentine so I asked him to be my Valentine. It was our first date. February 14, 2005. We were 19 years old. Valentine’s Day became our day. It was the beginning of everything.

You were due on November 7, 2013. I was over the moon happy. You and Cy would be 2 years, 9 months apart and I thought that was just perfect.

We went in on June 18, 2013 for your big ultrasound. So excited. In hardly any time, the sonographer said “I’m going to go get the doctor.” And that’s when everything changed. Excitement exchanged for fear. Daddy and I prayed. The doctor came back and began explaining that he was seeing that my baby’s little body was filled with fluid. He was telling me this information but still with a smile and happiness to his tone. It was pretty confusing. My mind was trying so hard to understand what he was saying. My gut feeling knew it wasn’t good. I texted my friend Chelsea who knew I was at my ultrasound and said “Something’s not right. Pray now.”

We were sent directly to a specialist. On the way there, we called our families to tell them what was going on. As we sat in the room, the doctor nonchalantly told us ”your baby is incompatible with life.”

I still can’t really put into words what that felt like. I remember needing him to tell me if you were a boy or girl. So far, everyone referred to you as baby. He went on to explain that you have Turner Syndrome and you are a GIRL!

In those moments of absolute devastation, I held onto the fact that I had a DAUGHTER!

Mom was there with us. As soon as I called her, she left work to get to us. That’s what moms do. They drop everything for their babies. My mom hurt for me as I hurt for you. I called Dad to tell him what the doctor said and no words came out of my mouth. I was literally speechless. Mom took the phone and said what I couldn’t say. Dad met us for lunch. That’s what I wanted to do. I needed to be with my family and I needed normalcy.

I didn’t know it then, but those moments following were absolutely filled with God’s grace. We talked about you. We enjoyed the conversation. We dreamt about you. We talked about names for you. We felt joy. We smiled and laughed. It was a meal together that I’ll never forget.

My sweet girl, the next 4 days are all about you. As I grieve what I’m missing with you today, I also rejoice. You are mine and I love you with all my heart. One beautiful day, we will be together again! I love you my sweet Addie!

June 18, 2021

Good morning Sweet Addie! 8 years. Wow! I cannot believe it’s been 8 years. 8 years of missing you. 8 years of wondering what you’re like. My heart has been anticipating this day all month. My body feels it too. In some ways, it hurts so much. But in other ways, it’s the most beautiful thing to feel you in my soul. Addie, you are a part of me. And you always will be. I love that.

I wish we had more memories together. 8 years worth of memories. But I’m forever thankful for the ones we do have. I’ll always remember knowing right away that I was pregnant with you. I just knew it. When I took the test to confirm, I immediately told your daddy. I was too excited to plan some cute way of telling him. Plus I had already told him I thought I was pregnant. The excitement of the moment was so much sweeter than anything I could have planned.

I remember taking pictures of my growing belly every week. I was going to show your growth with fruit. You were the size of a blueberry, then a lime, then an apple.

I remember hearing your heartbeat and recording it at one of my appointments. It was music to my ears. I recorded the recording on my phone and posted it on Facebook.

As the days approached for your first ultrasound at 20 weeks, I couldn’t wait to find out if you were a boy or girl. Part of me thought you were a boy. I thought I’d have 2 boys and then a little girl and she would be the baby of our family. Then I thought you were a girl and thought if we have one boy and one girl, maybe we’ll stop with 2 kids.

The week before your ultrasound, I threw a baby shower for my friend Chelsea. I remember telling my friends that I hadn’t felt you move as much. I was a little bit worried but figured that since I was so busy with the baby shower preparations, I just didn’t notice your movements as much.

June 18, 2013- We got to see you in ultrasound for the first time. I saw your profile and was just amazed. I heard your heartbeat! I didn’t realize it was weaker. A little while later, we got the devastating news that you were sick.

I am so sorry Addie. I am so sorry that you were sick.

On June 22, 2013 at 4:35 am, you were born sleeping. I delivered you naturally. I remember yelling “she’s here!” and the delivery nurse didn’t seem to believe me.

There you were! Your closed eyes, your tiny nose, your precious lips, your adorable little hands and feet. Your fingernails. I was so amazed by you.

God’s Presence filled the room and filled my heart. It’s something that just can’t really be explained. I was able to enjoy those first moments with you with complete joy in my heart.

Adalynn Yvonne Franks- I love you with all my heart. I will never stop carrying you, remembering you, and longing for you while I’m still here on earth.

But one day, one BEAUTIFUL day, we will be together again! Thank you Jesus!

June 18, 2020

My sweetest Addie, 

This day has anxiously been on my mind and now it’s here. The one that changed our lives forever. One moment I’m blissfully excited to find out whether you’re a son or daughter and the next minute I’m crushed with words I cannot bear. “Incompatible with life.” The absolute worst words a mother and father can hear. 

But I praise Jesus that He gave you NEW life. You are loved, you are safe, you are healthy, you have eternal life with Jesus Christ. 

I miss you baby girl. I am so sad that I have missed knowing you and having you close by my side for the past 7 years. I have wanted God to give me a glimpse of you in heaven but He hasn’t yet. 

I know everything will be perfect when I one day see you again. But right now, it feels like I’ve missed 7 years that I’ll never get back with you.

I’ve missed holding you all day long, kissing your sweet face, watching you sleep, listening to you giggle, watching you play with your brothers and sister, fixing your hair, watching you twirl across the living room, coloring pictures with you, reading books with you at bed time, and so many other things I long to do with YOU my sweet Addie. 

Today begins the window of days that are all about you. June 18- the day we learned you were sick. June 20- the day we learned your heart stopped beating on earth. June 22- the day we met you and held you in our arms. 

These are hard days, but they are my Addie days and I love them. 

Adalynn Yvonne Franks ~ I love you with all my heart. I cannot wait until the day we will see each other again! 

Keep singing, keep dancing, keep praising Jesus, and please send me signs of you. 

Love, Mommy 

Happy 5th Birthday Baby Girl

My sweetest Addie,

Today hit me hard. I think it was the first time my emotions were so heavy and negative. It was hard for me to get out of bed. I can’t put words to it, but there’s something significant about you being 5 years. I cannot believe it’s been that long since I held you. I’ve spent time over the last few days looking at your pictures and photo books. The pictures hurt. You were so sick. God’s love and grace filled that hospital room. I didn’t “feel” like you were sick or dead. I was able to enjoy you as my daughter and see the beauty in your little features. You had the sweetest little nose and tiny, tiny fingernails. My heart was truly happy. The only way it can be explained is by God’s amazing grace.

When it was time to leave you at the hospital, I knew it wasn’t really you I was leaving. I knew you were already with Jesus. God gave me exactly what I needed through each step of this journey.

Today is no different. When my pain made me want to just stay in bed and cry, your Daddy came at just the right time. He lifted me up and prayed over me. He reminded me what all we have to celebrate today. It felt so good to know I wasn’t the only one trying to celebrate.

I love you my dear baby. I love you with the deepest love I can possibly give.

Love,

Mommy

June 18, 2018

My dearest Addie,

It’s here. June 18. The day our lives changed forever, 5 years ago. The day we excitedly went to find out if Cy was going to have a little brother or a little sister and a few minutes later we were hearing the worst news parents could hear.

“Hold on,  let me get the doctor.”

“We’ve never seen this before.”

“We want you to see a specialist.”

“See all this extra fluid here?”

“Lots of abnormalities.”

“Your baby is incompatible with life.”

“Unfortunate. Random.”

This day hurts but I’m happy to relive the day every single year because the day is completely about you and one of the only things about you that I have to cling to. I’m going to go back and read what I wrote 5 years ago, but I wanted to write from my perspective today before reliving those thoughts as they were written then.

This year feels so significant because it’s been 5 years. 5 years since the absolute worst day of our lives. 5 years of journeying through our deepest pain. 5 years of beautiful love and grace. I wouldn’t have written your story this way, Addie, but I believe in an Author who writes stories more beautiful than I ever could. I don’t understand why this is your story, our story, but I’ve experienced God’s love and grace more than I ever did before this part of our story and I trust that God has a purpose for this story that’s more than I can see right now.

Sweet Addie, if you were here, we would be enjoying our summer, as a family of 6, before you begin your last year in preschool this fall. I would wait until you were 6 to start kindergarten, keeping you a “baby” for as long as possible.

You would be jumping in the swimming pool and learning to read like Cy. You would be playing tball and soccer. Or maybe dance and gymnastics. You would know your letters and numbers. You would be writing your name. You would be learning about responsibility and helping me sort laundry. We would absolutely love having you here. We wish, every day, that you were here with us. A part of our craziness.

Precious daughter, I truly believe that you have a way better life than anything we could give you here. You are in HEAVEN! You are with Jesus and our Heavenly Father! When I keep my eyes on eternity and what really matters, there’s nowhere else I’d rather you be. You are where we all hope to be.

And one day, one glorious day, WE WILL BE WITH YOU for all eternity!!!!

God has been so, so good to us. Because He sent his one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for us and CONQUER death, you, my Addie, are not buried in the ground but ALIVE with Christ!

Your heart stopped beating in my womb and God gave you a NEW body and a NEW heart. He gave you LIFE. Eternal life.

You are no longer sick. You no longer have anomalies that make you “incompatible with life.” Your tiny body is no longer filling with fluid.

You, my sweet Addie, were given a new body. A new heart. You are HEALED. You are whole and healthy- physically and spiritually.

There’s so much to wonder. I wonder what you look like in heaven. Are you a 5 year old little girl? Are you a newborn baby? Scripture doesn’t tell us what kind of new body we are given. I know God is so much bigger than our sense of time and “years.”

I’ve always adored babies and I often dream that you are still a baby in heaven. I dream of holding you as my little baby for all eternity. Daddy thinks you’re a little girl in heaven. He said a baby wouldn’t be able to praise Jesus, but I disagree!

I know my earthly mind can’t fathom what heaven is and who you are. But what I do know is that heaven is perfect and you are experiencing everything as God intended before sin and death entered the world. You are in the presence of God and praising His Holy Name all day long. There’s nothing better than that.

My sweet girl, Jesus spoke life and truth to me as I wrote this post for you. That is how this whole journey has been. Even when I allow myself to feel the pain, God meets me in my pain and lifts me up. He gives me life. He gives me joy. Thank you Jesus!

I love you my precious daughter. I know you don’t need my love, you are surrounded by the love of God, but I hope that you know your mommy’s love too. I hope that Jesus is telling you/ showing you how much I love you.

I cannot wait until we are reunited. Life on earth goes by so fast, especially when trying to cherish the littleness of your brothers and sister. But, every day that goes by here means I’m one day closer to being with you and Jesus forever!

I LOVE AND MISS YOU ADALYNN YVONNE!

 

 

Happy 4th Birthday Addie!

Sweet baby girl,

Happy Birthday! I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since I held you. It’s noon right now and I’m feeling pretty gloomy. I wanted this day to be special but I just don’t know what to do. It’s hard figuring out what to do and how to honor your life. I really, really miss you. Daddy went fishing early this morning. That’s what he wanted to do on your birthday. I think he wanted the time alone to be outdoors, enjoying God’s creation and thinking of you. He brought us back donuts. We’re trying to do fun things today but none of it really feels right. I just feel sad.

I’m sorry that you were so sick. I don’t understand why. We wanted you so bad. I was so excited when I just knew that I was pregnant with you. And Daddy and Cy were so excited when I told them. I carried you with such joy.

Please send me signs of you baby girl. Let me know you’re okay and enjoying the beauties of heaven. I would give anything to see you. Healed and happy.

I love you Adalynn Yvonne. Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful baby!

Love,

Mommy

 

 

Sweet Girl

Hi my sweet baby girl! Today is June 20 and even with all the craziness of having three children to care for, I can’t help but think about this day four years ago. Daddy and I were trying to figure out our options. We wondered if we should get another opinion. We searched things on the internet like crazy. We decided to go to the doctor’s office for a blood test and to listen to your heart beat. I can’t remember the reason for the blood test but while we were there, I knew I wanted to hear your heart beat again.

But there wasn’t one. 😢 The absolute worst moment of my life. Dr. Wendel was the doctor who told us. We were speechless. We cried. We walked past the office staff as quickly as we could and then balled our eyes out in the car.

We called our parents to tell them and we couldn’t get the words out.

Addie, I would do anything to have you here. I wish this wasn’t your story. But I KNOW that Jesus is perfect and even though I don’t understand it now, Jesus has a perfect plan for your life!

I miss you Addie. I ache to see you and hold you. I love you with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy

The Best Days

December 14, 2016

Dearest Addie,

I’ve been wanting to write for some time. It’s hard making the time to write while trying to soak up every sweet moment of this life. Life is so precious right now. I know that right now, these days I’m experiencing right now, are life’s best moments. The days I’m going to want back. The best days.

Everyone is always looking ahead and dreaming for the good days. I know that I’m in them right now. There aren’t going to be better days. These are them. So I’m enjoying every second of it. I’m soaking it all in.

I wanted to write on November 11, which was my last day of work before baby came. I was praising God with everything in me for this time. Time HOME with Cy and Grace before the newest baby came.   Daddy got to be home most of the days that I was, too. A sweet gift that most families don’t get. Not because they couldn’t have the gift necessarily, but because most people have different priorities. I’m sure people thought that it was crazy that we were both off work. They make for the best days though. Days we’ll never get back and I would never trade for anything.

January 6, 2017

It’s already a new year and I haven’t yet finished my thoughts from the entry I started December 14. That’s the way it is being at home with 3 little kids. I wouldn’t trade it for anything though. The couple weeks of Christmas and New Years Day were crazy. We had so many places to go and it was so tiring. I wasn’t feeling the best either and everywhere we went I just wanted to curl up in a blanket.

Life has calmed down now and this has been one of the best weeks! I’ve felt like a real stay at home mom doing real life. On Monday we went to the Boathouse with the Goforth’s but other than that, I haven’t gone anywhere except to drive Cy down the driveway to the bus (one time) and it’s Friday! So 4 straight days I’ve just stayed HOME!!! It has been sooo nice!

I’ve nursed, changed diapers, held sleeping babies, cooked dinner, picked up the house, read books to the kids, gave baths, played, watched the kids play, watched movies, taken tons of pictures. It has been amazing and I’m so thankful for this time! Jake will be 6 weeks tomorrow. It has flown by. It already seems like he’s been part of our family forever. It’s funny how that happens. I remember the same feeling with Cy and Grace. I quickly forget what it was like before the newest baby came.

God, thank you for blessing me with all these babies!!! I feel extremely blessed and can’t thank you enough. It’s all because of Your love and grace. Thank you for this beautiful life I get to live. Help me to not love this life and the family you’ve given me more than I love you though.

 

 

A Letter to Cy

Cy,

I want to write to you and tell you how special you are to me. I don’t want you to ever forget it. You are my firstborn son. You made me a mommy! I am so, so thankful for you! For all of my life I wanted to get married and I wanted to be a mom. I dreamed of both things from a young age. I couldn’t wait to fall in love with the man that God created for me. I was so blessed to meet your daddy at college in 2004. I met him because he was the roommate of my friend, Josh. Your daddy was quiet and pretty shy but he also had a fun and goofy personality. He was fun to be around and he made me feel happy.   We spent evenings together talking in the PSU and playing pool. We got to know each other better and we started officially dating on February 25, 2005. We were at Walmart in the air freshener aisle when Daddy asked me to be his girlfriend. There wasn’t a whole lot to do in Mount Vernon so we ended up at Walmart a lot! We dated for almost 3.5 years before we got married. On August 9, 2008, I became his wife!

We knew we wanted kids and saw kids in our future pretty soon. Daddy and Mommy were both very family oriented and we didn’t see anything more important than family. We were excited to start our own family.

I can’t remember exactly but I think we decided we would officially start trying for a baby in January 2010. We prayed for God to bless us with a baby in his perfect timing.

We were at your Mamaw and Papaw Franks’s house for a weekend in June and that Sunday while singing worship songs, I realized that I could be pregnant! I was so happy and excited and my mind started wondering, dreaming, and planning! I remember on the drive home I was texting a girl I worked with about how I thought maybe I was pregnant. I planned out how I would secretly find out and surprise your daddy.

The next morning while Daddy was at work, I went and bought a pregnancy test. I couldn’t wait to take it but I was also a little nervous. This was such a big moment. My first ever pregnancy test. I thought things like: I might really be a mommy, is this really true and what if it’s negative. I wanted it to be positive so bad. I was so excited about the thought of having my first baby.

2 pink lines showed up and tears strolled down my cheeks! I was pregnant with my first baby!

I got my surprise all ready for Daddy and couldn’t wait for him to get home. It was close to Father’s Day so I got him his first Father’s Day card. Daddy wondered what was up and then smiled so big when he opened the box! He was so excited about our little baby! Daddy was dreaming of a son from that moment!

I enjoyed a wonderful pregnancy and on February 16, 2011 I woke up having contractions. We got everything ready to go to the hospital just in case, but I went on to work figuring I was only in the very beginning stages.

My principal insisted I leave work and go to the doctor, the doctor said I was just having Bracton Hicks, Daddy went back to work, and THEN the real contractions came. I knew without a doubt that this was the real thing!

Cy Evan, you were born at 1:45 am on Thursday, February 17, 2011. It was love at first sight. You were absolutely beautiful! The cord had been wrapped around your neck 3 times, so the nurses had to intervene to get you crying. When we finally heard that first cry, it was the most beautiful sound we had ever heard!

Cy, you made me a mommy and you changed my life. In an instant, you were part of our family and it felt like you had always been with us. It became hard to remember what life was like before you. You consumed our every thought!

My first 6 months home with you were some of the best days of my life. The whole time was absolutely amazing. I loved being your mommy and spending every day with you! I loved my new life! My favorite part was holding you as you slept and watching you smile in your sleep.

In August 2011, Mommy had to go back to work. It was hard to do because I absolutely loved my 6 months home with you. But God called me to be a mom and a teacher, and I had to obey the call.

Life with you has been absolutely incredible. We have been through so much as a little family. We had your baby sister Addie and you were, and continue to be, the sweetest big brother to her! You sleep with your Addie bear every night and you think of her often.

We then had another baby sister! It was hard for you when you first found out we were having another girl, but you love Grace in such a beautiful way. You take good care of her and you are so gentle with her. You talk so sweet to her and you love to play with her. When we are around other people, they tell us how amazed they are because of how nice you are to your little sister! She absolutely adores you and you both remind me daily how blessed I am.

Over the past year and a half, you have gone to 2 preschools and played on your first tball team! It has been so much fun! Your preschool teachers always told me how sweet you are and what a great friend you are to everyone. Mrs. Debby said that she has never met a child as empathetic as you, Cy. Daddy and Mommy felt so proud of you when she told us that. You definitely had the most energy of anyone in your class and were the most talkative, but you also had the biggest heart! Your best friend is Connor. You learned how to spell and write your name. You learned the colors. Your learned your phone number and address. You know almost all the letters and you can count to 12. You would be able to go much further, but you get stuck on 13, 14, and 15 because they sound so similar. You usually jump from 13 to 16.

Daddy was your tball coach and you both had a blast! You were the red team and you were number 1! You loved the game but you also had the hardest time staying focused! During games, you were often running in circles and throwing dirt in the air! Your teammates learned your middle name because your daddy said it so much! You always had multiple people there to watch you play and everyone was so proud of you! You are such a good hitter and an overall great little ball player!

Tomorrow is your first soccer practice! You are so excited and have been asking “is it the day after tomorrow” since Saturday morning! I love your excitement and love for life!

You start kindergarten in 2 weeks and I can’t believe it! I haven’t really wanted to believe that you are this big already. I didn’t practice your letters or counting with you as much as I maybe should have, but I wasn’t ready for you to start school. I wanted you to enjoy being a kid as long as possible! I know that once school starts, it will continue on for the rest of your life! There’s always more education to receive!

We spent your “last summer before school” going to Myrtle Beach, going to the zoo and Kings Island, fishing (with Daddy), playing around the house, going to VBS with Connor, going to story time at the library, and riding your bike! Daddy took your training wheels off the other day but you are still pretty nervous!

Cy, I am so proud of you and I love you more than I can say with words. I hope you never forget how loved you are. I hope you always believe in yourself and know you can do great things. And most importantly, I hope you know how much God loves you and I hope you will always put your trust in Him!

Love, Mommy