My dearest Addie,
It’s here. June 18. The day our lives changed forever, 5 years ago. The day we excitedly went to find out if Cy was going to have a little brother or a little sister and a few minutes later we were hearing the worst news parents could hear.
“Hold on, let me get the doctor.”
“We’ve never seen this before.”
“We want you to see a specialist.”
“See all this extra fluid here?”
“Lots of abnormalities.”
“Your baby is incompatible with life.”
“Unfortunate. Random.”
This day hurts but I’m happy to relive the day every single year because the day is completely about you and one of the only things about you that I have to cling to. I’m going to go back and read what I wrote 5 years ago, but I wanted to write from my perspective today before reliving those thoughts as they were written then.
This year feels so significant because it’s been 5 years. 5 years since the absolute worst day of our lives. 5 years of journeying through our deepest pain. 5 years of beautiful love and grace. I wouldn’t have written your story this way, Addie, but I believe in an Author who writes stories more beautiful than I ever could. I don’t understand why this is your story, our story, but I’ve experienced God’s love and grace more than I ever did before this part of our story and I trust that God has a purpose for this story that’s more than I can see right now.
Sweet Addie, if you were here, we would be enjoying our summer, as a family of 6, before you begin your last year in preschool this fall. I would wait until you were 6 to start kindergarten, keeping you a “baby” for as long as possible.
You would be jumping in the swimming pool and learning to read like Cy. You would be playing tball and soccer. Or maybe dance and gymnastics. You would know your letters and numbers. You would be writing your name. You would be learning about responsibility and helping me sort laundry. We would absolutely love having you here. We wish, every day, that you were here with us. A part of our craziness.
Precious daughter, I truly believe that you have a way better life than anything we could give you here. You are in HEAVEN! You are with Jesus and our Heavenly Father! When I keep my eyes on eternity and what really matters, there’s nowhere else I’d rather you be. You are where we all hope to be.
And one day, one glorious day, WE WILL BE WITH YOU for all eternity!!!!
God has been so, so good to us. Because He sent his one and only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for us and CONQUER death, you, my Addie, are not buried in the ground but ALIVE with Christ!
Your heart stopped beating in my womb and God gave you a NEW body and a NEW heart. He gave you LIFE. Eternal life.
You are no longer sick. You no longer have anomalies that make you “incompatible with life.” Your tiny body is no longer filling with fluid.
You, my sweet Addie, were given a new body. A new heart. You are HEALED. You are whole and healthy- physically and spiritually.
There’s so much to wonder. I wonder what you look like in heaven. Are you a 5 year old little girl? Are you a newborn baby? Scripture doesn’t tell us what kind of new body we are given. I know God is so much bigger than our sense of time and “years.”
I’ve always adored babies and I often dream that you are still a baby in heaven. I dream of holding you as my little baby for all eternity. Daddy thinks you’re a little girl in heaven. He said a baby wouldn’t be able to praise Jesus, but I disagree!
I know my earthly mind can’t fathom what heaven is and who you are. But what I do know is that heaven is perfect and you are experiencing everything as God intended before sin and death entered the world. You are in the presence of God and praising His Holy Name all day long. There’s nothing better than that.
My sweet girl, Jesus spoke life and truth to me as I wrote this post for you. That is how this whole journey has been. Even when I allow myself to feel the pain, God meets me in my pain and lifts me up. He gives me life. He gives me joy. Thank you Jesus!
I love you my precious daughter. I know you don’t need my love, you are surrounded by the love of God, but I hope that you know your mommy’s love too. I hope that Jesus is telling you/ showing you how much I love you.
I cannot wait until we are reunited. Life on earth goes by so fast, especially when trying to cherish the littleness of your brothers and sister. But, every day that goes by here means I’m one day closer to being with you and Jesus forever!
I LOVE AND MISS YOU ADALYNN YVONNE!
mysweetaddie 