Good morning my sweet baby girl. I’m looking out my bedroom window to the sun shining. June 18. This day was so exciting. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. The day I would find out if you were my son or daughter! I was so excited. So happy. I really wanted you to be a girl. But I also thought maybe you were a boy and my third baby would be a girl. Either way, I was just so excited. We got pregnant with you so very easily. I know this is a little weird, but I know exactly when it was. Valentine’s Day. February 14, 2013. Valentine’s Day has always been a special day to me. It’s cheesy to some but I always loved it. I couldn’t wait to be in love and have a Valentine. So in college, when I started crushing on your daddy, I was too impatient to wait on him. I liked him and I wanted a Valentine so I asked him to be my Valentine. It was our first date. February 14, 2005. We were 19 years old. Valentine’s Day became our day. It was the beginning of everything.
You were due on November 7, 2013. I was over the moon happy. You and Cy would be 2 years, 9 months apart and I thought that was just perfect.
We went in on June 18, 2013 for your big ultrasound. So excited. In hardly any time, the sonographer said “I’m going to go get the doctor.” And that’s when everything changed. Excitement exchanged for fear. Daddy and I prayed. The doctor came back and began explaining that he was seeing that my baby’s little body was filled with fluid. He was telling me this information but still with a smile and happiness to his tone. It was pretty confusing. My mind was trying so hard to understand what he was saying. My gut feeling knew it wasn’t good. I texted my friend Chelsea who knew I was at my ultrasound and said “Something’s not right. Pray now.”
We were sent directly to a specialist. On the way there, we called our families to tell them what was going on. As we sat in the room, the doctor nonchalantly told us ”your baby is incompatible with life.”
I still can’t really put into words what that felt like. I remember needing him to tell me if you were a boy or girl. So far, everyone referred to you as baby. He went on to explain that you have Turner Syndrome and you are a GIRL!
In those moments of absolute devastation, I held onto the fact that I had a DAUGHTER!
Mom was there with us. As soon as I called her, she left work to get to us. That’s what moms do. They drop everything for their babies. My mom hurt for me as I hurt for you. I called Dad to tell him what the doctor said and no words came out of my mouth. I was literally speechless. Mom took the phone and said what I couldn’t say. Dad met us for lunch. That’s what I wanted to do. I needed to be with my family and I needed normalcy.
I didn’t know it then, but those moments following were absolutely filled with God’s grace. We talked about you. We enjoyed the conversation. We dreamt about you. We talked about names for you. We felt joy. We smiled and laughed. It was a meal together that I’ll never forget.
My sweet girl, the next 4 days are all about you. As I grieve what I’m missing with you today, I also rejoice. You are mine and I love you with all my heart. One beautiful day, we will be together again! I love you my sweet Addie!
mysweetaddie 